Everyone knows that Ebay is a great way to live the American Dream and get rich quick… but it’s also an excellent source of entertainment!
An Ebay seller is usually a disgruntled sort, because they are already selling a product for half its retail value. On top of this, they get additional ass-rapeage in the form of Ebay and Paypal fees. Still, they’re Corporate Fat Cats who don’t deserve the money for their work, and must be dealt with.
Here are some sure-fire tips on ways to piss off an Ebay seller… Because hey, they deserve it!
1. Be a Cheap Bastard
This is a prerequisite for any Ebay Buyer. You don’t want to be bothered with retail prices, because dammit you’re an American. If you’re on Ebay then you’re looking for a bargain, and you want to get new quality name-brand merchandise for a quarter of its value. That’s what Ebay is all about!
Be sure to tell all of the sellers that their products are overpriced (even though everything is less than the cheapest retailer). Try to strike a bargain with them. If they won’t reduce their price, then make them pay for shipping! Be sure to inquire about buying the product for less than the opening bid, especially if they have a “Buy it now” price listed.
2. Be sure to tell your life story
Every seller on Ebay is a person, right? People are compassionate and will certainly be swayed by your personal story of how your stepmother’s dog “lifted his leg” onto your boyfriend’s computer and fried the motherboard, and how you need a new one but are on a fixed income and can’t pay until the 1st of the month. Nevermind how you have a stepmother AND a boyfriend… or how you’re able to ebay without a computer…
Sellers like these stories, and they certainly value these stories over paying their mortgages.
3. Be sure to let your personal life interfere with the transaction
When you actually win an item, make those seller bastards squirm a little. Say that you “forgot to pay your car” and that you’ll pay them next Friday. What are they gonna do, cry to their momma?
If you actually get a seller who knows what they’re doing then they may try to cancel the transaction for any number of valid reasons, but it takes a few days to resolve this… so snipe them by sending the money via PayPal and then they have a ton of crap to deal with! Now the seller has to send you the item or return your money via PayPal; and NOW they have an extra listing to cancel, and they have to retract their complaint with Ebay like a little bitch!
4. Always contact the seller and offer to “buy it now” for less than half of the opening bid.
This goes hand in hand with being a Cheap Bastard. Sellers expect certain ethnicities to be ruthlessly cheap (you know who you are), and they love to hear from their South Asian friends.
Here’s a little secret that not everyone knows: Ebay sellers LOVE to haggle! If a seller is listing a product that’s worth $800, but is still losing his shirt by selling it for $450, then offer to take it off their hands for $250, and insist that they pay shipping. Extra points if you do this on the first day the product is listed, and get in their head by telling them there’s no way they’re going to sell their product. You’re the customer, and the customer is always right, right?
On the next page we show you 5 more tips to disgruntle those Bastards…
5. Complain that shipping is too high
Experienced sellers will circumvent a lot of Ebay hassles with a little preparation. Before they list anything, they will pre-pack an item so they know EXACTLY how much it’s going to cost, and have analyzed the best shipping for the buck: UPS Ground, Flat Rate or regular Parcel Post. That way they won’t lose any MORE money on the transaction from shipping.
Even though certain Ebay policies force sellers to lose money (like only allowing sellers to charge a maximum of $4 for software when the cheapest online option to ship a 6 ounce package is $4.95), be sure to contact the seller and tell them their shipping is too high. Be sure to accuse them of “putting their thumb on the scale”, too.
6. Always bid on items that specifically state that they do not do international shipping.
People think that the extra forms required for international shipping are a hassle, but believe it or not, it’s actually easier than normal shipping! Shipping an international package via USPS requires actually handing the package to a friendly clear-speaking mail carrier, and who wouldn’t want to wait in line for a chance polish their people skills with one of our fine, always-smiling, fit and friendly government employees?
International shipping is implied: always. So if a seller doesn’t have it listed, then it’s certainly ok for foreigners to bid on (and win) an item.
Oh, and since you’re a Cheap Bastard, be sure and require that the seller mark your $500 Home Theater Case as a “gift” (wink wink). Oh, and when your local government sees through the ruse, be sure and tell the seller about how much extra money you had to pay in tariffs… those knee-slapping stories make wonderful campfire tales!
7. Don’t read the listing.
Reading is for chumps. That’s why the Interwebs have videos and pictures.
Sellers who are even somewhat experienced know to answer certain questions ahead of time. Some of them will list the package weight and dimensions, so we could easily calculate shipping for ourselves… but who wants to look that crap up when we can just ask the seller?
Even though the seller took the extra time to measure and look up this information, be sure to ask questions like “how much is shipping to Assramistan?”. Don’t include any address, postal code, or anything that would actually let the seller look this up. Make them work for it… wait for them to tell you that they can’t look it up without a full address.
It will usually take about 3 rounds of Ebay Email to get your question answered, but at least you didn’t have to do any math!
8. Complain daily about the status of the package.
Ok, so you’ve actually won something and convinced the seller to actually send something to you.
Everyone knows that once the package is on the UPS or USPS truck, the seller has complete control of the entire shipping organization, and can instantly tell you where the package is, and when it will arrive in fifteen-minute increments.
Everyone is in a hurry to get their packages, although being Cheap Bastards (see point one), we don’t want to pay extra for quick shipping.
Be sure to let the seller know how irate and impatient you are. Be sure to include points from your Life Story (point 2) about how you are building a Home Theater for your cousin’s wedding, and it needs to be here tomorrow, you live across the country and UPS should be able to drive cross-country non-stop in less than 72 hours.
Extra points for accusing the seller of stealing your money or not actually shipping the package.
9. Ask for positive feedback exchanges
If you’ve practiced the tips up above, then you certainly have an Angry Seller. Now’s the time to ask for positive feedback, and then you’ll do the same. Of course, sellers only have 2 options when leaving feedback: “positive” or “I will leave feedback later”.
Did you read that? The only feedback sellers can make is Positive! Those bastards can’t lay a hand on you! It may be skewed, but how else can we keep the integrity of the Ebay Feedback system going?
6 Comment
I was selling an antique clock in an auction on ebay. There were 23 watchers and 9 bids where the total was at $101.00 with about 2 hours left in the auction. I got an email from someone asking if I would cancel the bids and sell it to her for $50.00, because that was all she could afford, but really, REALLY wanted this clock.
Lol, I remember a guy called me once and told me how he was on benefits, couldn’t afford it, would I do it cheaper off eBay?
Anyway,I did it almost cost-price for this guy that’s disabled and the supplier sent a damaged item. The buyer wasn’t bothered that it wasn’t my fault or the item hadn’t been returned yet, he just wanted his refund.
Taught me that they’ll always look out for their own pocket but they won’t return the favour for sellers. Cheap guy started moaning that the return cost him parcel tape to tie up again smh
Many ebay buyers are cheap bastards!! they want something for nothing!! GROW UP!! you want quality? damn it pay for it!!!
Just screwed me for $1875.00. Pro buyer said never received. Tracked-DC-Insurance all checked, Said I didn’t pay for Delivery Conformation.
Are you Kidding Me !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Ebay !
Funny read, but unfortunately these are daily experiences of an ebay seller.