5. Complain that shipping is too high
Experienced sellers will circumvent a lot of Ebay hassles with a little preparation. Before they list anything, they will pre-pack an item so they know EXACTLY how much it’s going to cost, and have analyzed the best shipping for the buck: UPS Ground, Flat Rate or regular Parcel Post. That way they won’t lose any MORE money on the transaction from shipping.
Even though certain Ebay policies force sellers to lose money (like only allowing sellers to charge a maximum of $4 for software when the cheapest online option to ship a 6 ounce package is $4.95), be sure to contact the seller and tell them their shipping is too high. Be sure to accuse them of “putting their thumb on the scale”, too.
6. Always bid on items that specifically state that they do not do international shipping.
People think that the extra forms required for international shipping are a hassle, but believe it or not, it’s actually easier than normal shipping! Shipping an international package via USPS requires actually handing the package to a friendly clear-speaking mail carrier, and who wouldn’t want to wait in line for a chance polish their people skills with one of our fine, always-smiling, fit and friendly government employees?
International shipping is implied: always. So if a seller doesn’t have it listed, then it’s certainly ok for foreigners to bid on (and win) an item.
Oh, and since you’re a Cheap Bastard, be sure and require that the seller mark your $500 Home Theater Case as a “gift” (wink wink). Oh, and when your local government sees through the ruse, be sure and tell the seller about how much extra money you had to pay in tariffs… those knee-slapping stories make wonderful campfire tales!
7. Don’t read the listing.
Reading is for chumps. That’s why the Interwebs have videos and pictures.
Sellers who are even somewhat experienced know to answer certain questions ahead of time. Some of them will list the package weight and dimensions, so we could easily calculate shipping for ourselves… but who wants to look that crap up when we can just ask the seller?
Even though the seller took the extra time to measure and look up this information, be sure to ask questions like “how much is shipping to Assramistan?”. Don’t include any address, postal code, or anything that would actually let the seller look this up. Make them work for it… wait for them to tell you that they can’t look it up without a full address.
It will usually take about 3 rounds of Ebay Email to get your question answered, but at least you didn’t have to do any math!
8. Complain daily about the status of the package.
Ok, so you’ve actually won something and convinced the seller to actually send something to you.
Everyone knows that once the package is on the UPS or USPS truck, the seller has complete control of the entire shipping organization, and can instantly tell you where the package is, and when it will arrive in fifteen-minute increments.
Everyone is in a hurry to get their packages, although being Cheap Bastards (see point one), we don’t want to pay extra for quick shipping.
Be sure to let the seller know how irate and impatient you are. Be sure to include points from your Life Story (point 2) about how you are building a Home Theater for your cousin’s wedding, and it needs to be here tomorrow, you live across the country and UPS should be able to drive cross-country non-stop in less than 72 hours.
Extra points for accusing the seller of stealing your money or not actually shipping the package.
9. Ask for positive feedback exchanges
If you’ve practiced the tips up above, then you certainly have an Angry Seller. Now’s the time to ask for positive feedback, and then you’ll do the same. Of course, sellers only have 2 options when leaving feedback: “positive” or “I will leave feedback later”.
Did you read that? The only feedback sellers can make is Positive! Those bastards can’t lay a hand on you! It may be skewed, but how else can we keep the integrity of the Ebay Feedback system going?
6 comments
I was selling an antique clock in an auction on ebay. There were 23 watchers and 9 bids where the total was at $101.00 with about 2 hours left in the auction. I got an email from someone asking if I would cancel the bids and sell it to her for $50.00, because that was all she could afford, but really, REALLY wanted this clock.
Lol, I remember a guy called me once and told me how he was on benefits, couldn’t afford it, would I do it cheaper off eBay?
Anyway,I did it almost cost-price for this guy that’s disabled and the supplier sent a damaged item. The buyer wasn’t bothered that it wasn’t my fault or the item hadn’t been returned yet, he just wanted his refund.
Taught me that they’ll always look out for their own pocket but they won’t return the favour for sellers. Cheap guy started moaning that the return cost him parcel tape to tie up again smh
Many ebay buyers are cheap bastards!! they want something for nothing!! GROW UP!! you want quality? damn it pay for it!!!
Just screwed me for $1875.00. Pro buyer said never received. Tracked-DC-Insurance all checked, Said I didn’t pay for Delivery Conformation.
Are you Kidding Me !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Ebay !
Funny read, but unfortunately these are daily experiences of an ebay seller.